Other people's noise is always maddening
A WHOLE lifetime ago, I was on the receiving end of elocution lessons at school.
Ah, such fond memories of time spent mucking about, while pronouncing weird sentences such as: "A noisy noise annoys an oyster."
I never thought this phrase would ever have a purpose, until I gave it a small tweak to become: "A noisy noise annoys a neighbour".
Simply lose the "oyster" and you're left with a pearl of wisdom: other people's noise is maddening.
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I've been reading in the Post this week about the woes of Lace Market dwellers and the noise they live among. In particular, those next to the Penthouse nightclub on Broadway.
The noise from nightclub revellers is right on their doorstep. And cigarette smoke and booming music and taxi horns – all in hours when they might be expecting to sleep.
Understandably, it's causing the area's residents much annoyance.
But, come on, what do they expect? You can't live in the hub of party central without a little fall-out. It's going to be noisy. Living amid the merry-go-round of Nottingham's nightlife, it's swings and roundabouts.
If you choose to live in the concrete jungle, you're going to observe feeding time at the zoo, whether you like it or not.
Apartments have sprung up all over the Lace Market – in buildings previously filled with clanging lace-making machinery. Now the noise is weaving its way out on the streets and seeping though the walls. What a nightmare. If only you could even get some sleep while you're there.
Sadly, asking nightclubbers to keep a lid on their noise is going to fall on deaf ears.
People on a night out have got their drinking boots on, they're going to fight for their right to party. Etiquette and pleasantries go out the sound-proofed window when party mode kicks in.
But noisy neighbours can pop up anywhere – it's not just a city centre issue.
It's soul-destroying. I'm thinking here of an ex-neighbour who had blisteringly-loud Robbie Williams on continual repeat. If I ever hear "Angels" again, it'll be too soon.
I'm glad to read about the Lenton man who ignored all injunctions placed on him, bombarding his neighbours with the Spice Girls Viva Forever on an interminable loop – they threw the book at him with a six-week suspended jail term, court costs and he lost his tenancy.
Other people's unwelcome noise makes your every waking moment and sleepless night a misery.
Complaints about the Penthouse club date back to September 2011, in particular the outdoor smoking area and noise from the queue.
Some people like the excitement of living in the thick of it all, though. So, maybe the publicity the area is getting could work in its favour, bringing party people together? Or night shift workers who are out when the noise kicks off?
On the other hand, if you're living there and brassed off, I have every sympathy for you.
Your home is your castle, so come on, property developers, listen up: how about installing some fortress-like sound insulation in the loft-living lifestyle you're selling?
Or, just crank up the volume on that Aretha Franklin favourite and have a little "Respect".
Or maybe the dulcet tones of "Neighbours" would be more soothing?