Researching the 50 shades of wa-hey!

STEADY now... Nottingham has been renamed "Hottingham" after its first place ranking for the number of erotic novel readers per capita.

It seems everyone's dipping into the saucy stuff as, according to a survey, three times the amount of Nottingham people are buying erotic books than those in cities such as Newcastle, Cardiff or Liverpool.

It used to be that misery memoirs, or celebrity biographies were the popular choice. Now though, readers are heading for sleazy street – reading a risque volume such as 50 Shades of Grey and re-kindling their desires via their e-readers.

Well, Notts is the home of DH Lawrence after all – scandalous literature is our heritage.

The smutty stories I've read are largely the set of 1960s pulp fiction I bought at a Colwick car boot sale (£2.50 the lot!)

Purely for research, I read a few modern comparisons and my verdict – they're unintentionally hilarious.

Just as Eskimos supposedly have 50 words for snow, when it comes to terms for the anatomy and romantic entanglements, we have 50 shades of wa-hey!

The vocabulary to describe such things is rich and vividly descriptive. And more often than not, rip-roaringly funny.

Actually, I think these books are the truest account of romance. Have you ever tried to say something heartfelt, yet made it sound chuckle-worthy instead? Awkward...

While there's nothing wrong with making 'em laugh, it might not be the reaction you were after. Particularly if you're in a state of undress.

Another survey featured in the Post, this time from the Government and a reading charity, says reading can be good for your health, alleviating anxiety or depression.

On that note, the impending Valentine's Day can be a trigger for feelings of despair.

Not just at the heart-stopping price of flowers and chocolates, but also at the feeling everyone else is all loved up. Trust me, they're not. And those who are, are too busy to write about it.

So feel at liberty to ignore all those couples who talk to each other over Facebook thus: "I wuv wu, Mister Snuggles").

If you're on your own this Valentine's Day, a speed-read through some sultry, literary stinkers should be enough to put you right off.

There's some corkers out there – a few even winning awards for their awfulness and cringe-worthy imagery.

Perhaps though, the greatest love story ever told is being played out before our eyes at Nottingham Forest.

It's a tale of fond reunions and unfinished business, all set against a backdrop of the most romantic colour of all – red.

Are you sitting comfortably? Here's an excerpt...

The Enchanted Forest: The Lust to Win:

The new manager strode purposefully into his office. He'd been here before.

"This time, it's for keeps," he growled, luxuriating in the majestic leather chair, an envelope laying wantonly on the walnut desk before him.

Firmly grasping the sleek letter opener, he released the missive from its lavender-scented vellum. Biting his lip, he pored over the words that came breathlessly tumbling out:

"Come on you Reds,

You're no longer blue,

Now Billy is here,

With glory for you."

Don't miss this sizzling drama ... 50 Shades of Grey V-neck Jumpers: the Billy Davies Story, is out now.