LIKE many people, I was absolutely appalled to read about the poor child who was sent into school with a lunchbox containing, gasp, a Smartie sandwich.

That's right, two bits of bread containing a filling made from nothing but the popular multi-coloured chocolate sweets.

Reports this week say teachers in Lincolnshire were shocked when one "mother" (because obviously mothers are the only ones responsible for sandwich preparation) bundled her child off with this delicious concoction.

The heinous discovery was revealed during an inspection by health workers and has now prompted calls for an overhaul of pupils' diets, including a trial of free meals.

I'm absolutely staggered about this. Who one earth would do such a cruel and stupid thing?

Everyone knows that a much better choice in terms of ease and convenience would have been a Twix. One finger on each half, Bob's your uncle.

It must have taken ages to faff around arranging all those Smarties so they wouldn't spill out everywhere. I wonder did they use Flora?

Besides, everyone knows Smarties aren't the same since they pointlessly mucked around with the flavourings.

The orange ones used to be a work of unconditional exquisiteness, now they taste just like all the others. Boo.

I jest of course, but I do come from a family who considered it perfectly normal to eat butter and sugar sandwiches as a snack.

Even now, I could really murder one. Not too much sugar, you understand, just enough to get that lovely buttery creamy taste. Nom nom.

I blame my mother. When she first came to Nottingham from Ireland to nurse at Mapperley Hospital in the late 1940s, she was in digs where her landlady kindly provided a snack box for lunch. And most days she would provide a Mars bar sandwich.

Never did my mum any harm – mainly because she developed a pathological hatred of Mars bars and went off to get something else to eat instead.

But, I think the whole experience provided her with a slightly skewed vision of what did and did not constitute an acceptable product to shove between two slices of bread.

And let's face it, this great nation is no stranger to a disgustingly sweet sandwich filling. Bread and condensed milk anyone?

Even Kylie Minogue, I'm told, is partial to a chocolate butty. And, according to one well known chocolate spread brand, having it on your toast in the morning is a comparatively healthy option. Course it is.

Obviously, in an ideal world, every child would skip into school with a lunchbox containing nothing but houmous, red pepper and grated carrot wrap, followed by steamed rice, low-fat natural yoghurt, pomegranate and a bottle of pure mineral water.

But some kids are fussy little blighters and won't eat this wholesome food, no matter how much the lunchbox police might insist they do.

My friend is having a devil of a time with her reception-age child, sending her in with lovingly prepared food every day. And every single day, that food comes back in the box completely untouched. She's worried to death that her little girl is going to pass out with hunger, going so long without anything at all in her tummy.

Parenting gurus might tell my friend not to fret, and that "no child will willingly starve." (Yeah, right).

But you can sort of see how a concerned parent might start thinking, hmm actually, a Smartie sandwich has got to be better than nothing at all.

On wholemeal bread, with a banana for pudding. Is that any worse than ham or cheese spread pumped with all sorts of salt and weird chemicals?

Perhaps the only solution, if we really want the future generation to stay healthy, is for the Government to ban lunch boxes altogether and make school meals compulsory – and free – for everyone. That's the suggestion in Lincolnshire.

Now that the blessed Jamie Oliver has banned turkey twizzlers and chips, parents could rest assured their child would be offered nothing but nutritious and healthy options. And the NHS would save a fortune on treating obesity and related illnesses. Job done.

Although, the kids would probably turn their noses up at the food. And some parents would no doubt be queuing up at the school gate with bags of chips and gravy. So what's to be done?

Only Smarties have the answer.