Excitement of a teenage crush will end in tears
Squeeeeee! Ohmigod, Harrryyyyy! I love you! Jussstinnnnnn! You're my life!
Oops, pardon me, I fainted. It's all too much, (sobs), I can't believe I breathed the actual same air as them, these... gods.
Do excuse me, I got caught up in the blinding rush of a teenage crush. Remember what that was like? Of course you do.
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Unless you've been quietly getting on with your life over the past week or so, the fact that Nottingham has become the epicentre of frenzied pop fans may have escaped you.
We've had visits from Canadian punctuality-dodger Justin Bieber, pint-sized popstrels Girls Aloud and the mighty One Direction.
While to my decrepit ears, today's hit paraders often sound like they can't hold a tune in a bucket, and even though I can't help take the Mickey just a tiny bit, I have much respect for the Wandies, Beliebers and the Alouders, as their fans are known.
We've all been there. Not literally and camping outside the Capital FM Arena under a One Direction duvet, but metaphorically speaking.
Seeing the hyper-excited youngsters whipping themselves into pandemonium over their idols takes me straight back to my early teenage years.
Oh, that blistering excitement upon discovering a whole world out there. Something beyond the four walls of your heavily-postered bedroom.
Popular idols define a generation. For instance, who was the Doctor Who when you were little? Who were your Blue Peter presenters? Your pop poster boy or girl?
Where would we be without a bit of hero worship? I bet you had yours, even if it's that most precocious whippersnapper of them all: Mozart.
My epiphany came with Adam and the Ants. Even now, I can still do a full rendition of Kings of the Wild Frontier... parties and wedding bookings considered, reasonable rates.
A proper teenage crush is a valuable rite of passage. As is the other side of the coin: the valuable life lesson that comes like a shot to the heart when you learn your idol isn't perfect. Dreams are shattered when you find out your hero is human and therefore flawed.
The unravelling of Bieber during his visit to the UK, including him tipping up 50 minutes late to the stage in Nottingham (he made it Just-in time!), leaving a trail of disillusioned teens in his wake.
Girls Aloud have now split and it's only a matter of time until One Direction take a different direction.
Bieber though, is a perfect tragic hero of our times: young, indulged and on the brink of a legendary fall from grace. He's Hamlet, Lear and Othello rolled into one. We can all learn from him.
I reckon hero worship in our formative years is good for us.
All that fact-finding, memorising every minutest detail of your chosen one's life is good for the brain. Perhaps it should be taught in schools?
Want another life lesson? Glory is fleeting – so seize the day and squeeze every last bit of triumph from it.