Erik Petersen: Your guide to the Justin Bieber revolution
JUSTIN Bieber is coming to town, in case you were wondering what all the shrieking was about.
If you live with or near a girl in the pre or young teen demographic, you'll already know all about this.
Perhaps you are taking her to the concert. Perhaps you are not allowing her to go to the concert. Perhaps she is now on the internet researching ways to have you brought to The Hague on a crimes-against-humanity charge.
For the uninitiated, here's a crash course. Justin Bieber is a teenage Canadian who sings pop songs that are upbeat and decent enough that parents don't mind them, but not so upbeat and polite that kids don't want to listen to them.
His fans are known as Beliebers, and they've got the kind of population numbers normally associated with cricket-playing Asian countries. He communicates with them largely via Twitter. If he ever tweets "RISE UP, MY BELIEBERS, FOR THE DAY OF THE GREAT CLEANSE IS AT HAND", know that we are all doomed. Not that he will do that; he seems like a nice young man.
Beliebers are sometimes said to have Bieber Fever. In extreme cases, Bieber Fever can strengthen into the dreaded Biebola Virus, for which there is no known cure.
And he's on his way to our arena this Saturday. He's touring Britain with another perky Canadian, Carly Rae Jepsen, the one who wants you to call her, maybe.
And now, you might think this would be the time for a few jokes about the pretty-haired pop singer and his music. I won't do that, for several reasons.
One, it's not very nice. Two, I've seen what happens on Twitter to people who cross the Beliebers. And three, time does it for me.
Eventually, that shrieking 14-year-old girl will be 29-year-old woman bringing her soon-to-be-fiancé boyfriend around to meet the parents. Her mother, who will have been waiting for this since that cold March night in 2013 when she had to chaperone a bunch of 14-year-old girls in the throes of a screaming breakdown, will show him the "I LUV U JUSTIN" photo collage made in total mad passion a decade and a half earlier, and the daughter will laugh, thinking of how the care home she will put this woman in at some point will definitely have a guard at the door to keep the residents in.
But that will be then, and this is now. And if you're a 14-year-old girl, now is a perfect time to be a Belieber.
We hear lots of scare stories about how These Kids Today grow up so fast, about how social media or Broken Britain turns them 21 by the time they're ten.
I'm happy to see that theory proved wrong by throngs of teens unironically, undetachedly freaking out over a Canadian with good teeth.
My message to Beliebers: Don't stop Belieben. Dark new music and your parents' Leonard Cohen albums will still be there for you five years from now. You enjoy this.
Me, on the other hand, I'm too old to enjoy this. While the kids are having fun, I'm going to prepare as best I can.
I'm getting my Biebola shots and keeping an eye on Twitter, just in case.